Stages
of a Friendship Breakup
I.
You don’t remember the last time you talked. Was it six months ago? A year ago?
Was it last Christmas? You can’t remember, and it still feels strange. You
can’t remember the last time you talked to her.
II.
Your instinct used to be to run to her when you had a problem. You called her
countless times, crying and panicking. You used to believe she’d always answer.
You don’t anymore.
III.
You don’t talk, but she still wishes you a Happy Birthday on Facebook. She
still uses your Netflix account. You pretend like that doesn’t sting.
IV.
Your friends say you should call her, that you should reach out because she’s
not mad at you. She’s just busy. But you don’t. You’re tired of reaching out.
You called her every week for two years. You’ve done this work before. It’s her
turn.
V.
You’re mad at her, and she didn’t do anything. You’re mad at her because she
didn’t do anything. You’re mad and hurt, and you don’t know what to do with
either emotion.
VI. Over Christmas, your friends go out to a bar. You skip out, but she goes. Your other friend tells you that she was sad that you didn’t go, that she was looking forward to seeing you. If that’s true, you think, she could see me whenever she wants.
VII.
In conversation, you used to refer to her as your best friend. For years, she
was “your best friend”. Now, you don’t know what to say. Sometimes, she’s your
“ex-best friend”. Sometimes, she’s your “high school best friend”.
VIII.
You still can’t badmouth her. You’re not sure you’ll ever be able to. When you
talk about her, you tell people she’s brilliant. You talk about the giant green
truck she drove in high school that you named the Green Hornet. You make
excuses for her: that she’s a bad texter, that she’s super busy with med
school. You still give her the benefit of the doubt. You still feel like she’s
earned it. (But you know it’s running out.)
IX.
It would be so easy to cut a guy you broke up with out of your life. You could
delete his texts, throw out his pictures, get rid of his gifts… You cannot cut
her out of your life, not completely. You have the same friends. She is a main
character in your favorite stories, your best memories, your cutest pictures…
She was the person you first went to Marvel movies with. She came home when you
had a breakdown. You still hear Shake It Off and think of her: the two of you
scream-shouting the entire time. You can’t cut her out of your life (and heart)
if even you tried.
X. You
wished there was a defined end to this break-up, a point where you could say,
“Yeah, we’re done.” You want to know where you stand. But that’s the worst
thing about a friendship break-up. Two years can go by, and you still haven’t
taken her off your Netflix yet.
